What is Sexual Integrity?

1 Why do we hate hypocrisy, particularly religious hypocrisy? 

Both Christians and non-Christians seem to think hypocrisy is the worst sin. We don’t like hearing from people who don’t follow their own advice. Have students discuss how they view hypocrisy.

Religious people are often seen as thinking they know better than others while they themselves are doing exactly what they condemn. For many, part of the problem is that the Christian standard for sexuality is considered unattainable.  Many non-believers (and even Christians) argue that Christians expect too much from others, who end up harming themselves because they aren't allowed to act on their sexual urges.

VIDEO: Consider this video attacking “sexual purity:”
In this video, a secular source interviews those who were involved in the sexual purity movement in the US. www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuvtTPh3Egk

You can prepare for this discussion by reading the following texts.

Read about how Christians view purity and chastity here: www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/love-and-sex/purity/purity

You can read about how secular groups define the movement here: www.npr.org/2018/09/18/648737143/memoirist-evangelical-purity-movement-sees-womens-bodies-as-a-threat

2 What is this video criticising about “purity culture”? How do they define purity?

There are two main ideas that this video attacks: 

A) Purity, which they define as controlling your sexual urges, is really just a way for religious people to control women’s bodies by keeping them ignorant of sexual practices.

B) Purity is an impossible standard to live by. Without sexual release, men in particularly can victimize women and can lead to a culture where rape is common place (rape culture).

Their view of sexuality is that people should be free to act on their sexual desires, as long as both partners consent. Consider this video produced by the Alberta government:

VIDEO: In this video, Understanding Consent, the government argues for the importance of “consent” before any kind of sexual practice. Talk to your students about this standard of sexual practice. www.youtube.com/watch?v=raxPKklDF2k&t=2s

3 How does the government define consent?

For the government, “consent” is the standard to use when deciding on whether you should engage in sex. As long as you and your partner(s) consent to engaging in a sexual act, that sexual act is morally good and worth doing.

4 What message do both videos assume about sex, sexuality and marriage? What do you think of these messages?

Here are some possible answers:

A) It is not a big deal; 

B) All that matters is loving the other person; 

C) Sex is the pinnacle of human experience; 

D) Teenagers need to try it; 

E) Everyone is doing it; 

F) Sex can happen without marriage

Give the students a chance to then evaluate these messages. Are they accurate? Fair?

On a board, write down the advantages and disadvantages of using “consent” as the standard for determining what sexual activities are acceptable. In your discussion, your students need to understand that “consent” is focused solely on one’s own personal preferences for sexual activity. There is no objective standard other than that you don’t violate your partners’ sexual wishes. The worldview of this video, as well as many Hollywood productions, seems to be that as long as you both want it, sex is okay. For example, you can tell the students that 85% of sex scenes on TV are outside of a marriage relationship. 

5 What happens when “consent” is the only thing we consider when we have sex?

Discuss with your students how this contrasts with the Christian worldview that we need more than “consent” before we can engage in sex. The biblical view demands that along with consent, you need to make a life-long commitment to the person you engage in sex with—a commitment called marriage. Have them contrast the government’s view of sex with that of the bible.

Of course Christians agree that any sexual activity that is not consented to, like rape, is wrong. However, we would argue that consent is not the bare minimum for sexual activity. Marriage, with Its built-in commitment, is the only safe place for sexual activity to happen. 

What is a realistic look at what happens when consent is your only standard for sexual activity?Consider this more realistic video (ADULT CONTENT in the video, though nothing graphic):

VIDEO: The truth about hookups
In this video, a couple “hookup” for sex that they consent to. Though the couple are sexually satisfied for an evening, the video ends with one of the partners being unsatisfied with the encounter. Encourage the students to explore why this is the case. Help them see that the sexual act is divorced from the relationship. Since we’re designed as a whole being, not just a sexual being, this means that even if we may be physically satisfied with a “hookup” culture, we aren’t satisfied mentally, emotionally or spiritually. www.youtube.com/watch?v=82vvk9MKPkU

VIDEO: Hook up culture—Moira Rajpal
If this video is too mature for your students, you can use this video, though it still contains mature language. It is a young woman sharing a poem about hookup culture. www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_whGoi_Q8Y

Rob Wiess, a secular relationship expert, says sexual integrity is being true to one’s own personal desires. But as this clip shows, this makes our sexual desires the most important factor in determining our sexual practices. As we talked about from previous sessions, the Christian view of sexuality is that God designed us and knows much more about our needs than we do. He designed sex so that it can be part of a lifelong relationship that contributes to the needs of our bodies and souls. For Christians, integrity means consistently following God’s design.

Ask the students:

6 What’s the most important thing we should consider when we think about engaging in any sexual acts? Should we think only of our desires, or should we consider God’s desires as well? If we are designed by God, shouldn’t we trust that He knows best about how our needs should be met?

Get the students to discuss how God designed marriage to bring a man and woman together spiritually, emotionally and sexually. Our sexual side is not separated from the rest of our needs. This is one of the ways we define “sexual integrity.” We believe that we need to see people as whole persons made in the image of God. We also believe that we need to live with integrity according to God’s design for our bodies, minds and souls.”

7 Are biblical rules just a way to control women? Why or why not?

Discuss this criticism from the secular video. Help your students see that God does have a right to tell us how to behave because He designed us. Following the design of a good God will always help us flourish.

Read this passage with the students:

Help the students see how revolutionary this teaching is. Here Paul is saying that in a Christian marriage, a wife’s body no longer belongs to her but to her husband AND that a husband’s body no longer belongs to him but to his wife. In a culture where women had no rights, the Bible teaches that in marriage, a husband is duty bound to provide for his wife’s sexual, spiritual and emotional needs and vice versa. Ask the students if in this kind of relationship, any kind of control is possible. The answer is, of course not. A man cannot take advantage of his wife’s body if his body belongs to her. You can also point out that this passage acknowledges women’s sexual desire, how she is just as responsible as a man to control her sexuality and that marriage is a place for both a husband and wife to meet their sexual needs.

To help illustrate sexual integrity, bring some home-made baked goods like muffins and share them with any student who wants one. Once the students are eating, show the students a list of ingredients that you used in the recipe. Then add this: “Oh, I forgot to add that I did notice some cockroaches fell into the batter at one point. But don’t worry, it was only a few grams.” Offer the food to the students and ask if they’d be willing to eat it now.

Discuss with them that most people wouldn’t want to eat the food because it doesn’t have integrity. Even if it has great ingredients, the one ingredient, the cockroaches, ruins the rest of it. 

SHARE:

“Sexual integrity works the same way. The Christian view is that God gave us standards for sexual integrity, not because He wants to limit our freedoms but because He knows what we need for health In body, mind and soul.”

Sexual integrity is not about controlling women but acknowledging that both men and women need each other's help to see the other sex as designed in God’s image and not just as objects. It helps us understand God’s good standards for us.

8 Is sex before marriage wrong?

Get the students to discuss how God designed marriage to bring a man and woman together spiritually, emotionally and sexually. Our sexual side is not separated from the rest of our needs. This is one of the ways we define “sexual integrity.” We believe that we need to see other people as whole persons made in the image of God. We also believe that we need to live with integrity according to God’s design for our bodies, minds and souls.

Then point out what happens when we don’t follow God’s design:

VIDEO: Jefferson Bethke—Sexual Healing
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlJFvxad1_A

Explain that in America, 69% of young adult Evangelical Christians have had sex outside of marriage in the previous 12 months with at least one person;13 

Get the students to make a list of reasons why people have sex outside of marriage. The Bible prohibits actions that harm us. God doesn’t want us to pursue actions and activities that hinder our relationship with Him and with others. Here is a list of many practical reasons sex should not take place outside of marriage.

1. STIs—including some that last your whole life, and some that can shorten your life. Even if it’s the first time you have had sex, it may not be for your partner. It is now being discussed in court that people who are positive for HIV or AIDS may no longer be required to is close this information to their sexual partners… Which means even if you ask them about their sexual health, they may not have to tell you.

2. Pregnancy—it changes your life and alters your amount of freedom, suddenly you are in charge of another life and have a lot of responsibilities.

3. Relationship stress / Jealousy—Sex is portrayed as better for un-married couples in movies or TV, when in fact, sex within marriage is statistically more satisfactory. 

4. Emotional Consequences—Donald Joy, a writer for Christianity Today, cited a study of 100,000 women that linked “early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and the prevalence of low self-esteem.” Sex is a giving of yourself to someone else, and if this is someone that you don’t spend your life with, you gave them a part of you that you can’t get back. 

Understanding these consequences, discuss with your students that this could explain why the Bible condemns sex outside of marriage. Read and discuss all or some of these biblical passages, depending on the length of time you have with your discussion group. You can also assign a passage to each of your students, get them to read the passage in context, and then explain it to the rest of the group:

9 Based on these passages, what other sexual activities fall outside of God’s plan and design for sex? What kind of activity before marriage is wrong?

On a board, make a list of sexual practices outside of marriage that would only fulfill sexual desires temporarily but not contribute to our sexual integrity. This includes explicit sexual practices like petting (touching another person’s genitalia), or oral sex or exposing yourself. It may also include things like certain kinds of kissing. This is an important discussion to have with your students because Christians have different standards of what constitutes sexual integrity. And many may justify some of these sexual practices because it isn’t “sex.”

Help your students realize that sexual integrity means treating another person not just as a body for pleasure but as an integrated whole person, a soul made in God’s image. In other words, using their body merely for personal sexual pleasure would violate God’s plan for marriage.

VIDEO: You can also watch the following video from Girl Defined ministries that discusses physical boundaries in a romantic relationship: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9cL1AgYEjA

10 Another criticism of the Christian view of integrity is that it is an impossible standard to meet. Would God command us to do the impossible?

SHARE:

“According to Scripture we are all affected by sin and will struggle to live according to God’s original design. We therefore should not view particular sexual struggles and experiences as worse than others. We also should not discriminate and speak poorly about those who have struggles different than our own. However, this doesn’t mean we can’t follow God’s plan.”

Along with your students read this passage,

Help your students understand that the sexual standards God gives us are impossible to live by on our own. However, God is willing and able to help us live according to the standards that He gave us because He loves us and wants the best for us. And better yet, Jesus Himself was tempted in every way, including sexually, but was without sin.

Encourage your students to find examples in the Bible and among living Christians who live according to God’s standards. Remind them as well that He is also ready to forgive when we fail (I John 1:9) and to persist in doing what is right as God will help you.

Optional Activity (if you have more time): 

Invite students to form small groups, review the following stories, and list some consequences that occurred as a result of sex outside of marriage:

A) Amnon and Tamar: II Sam 13

• Lust turned to hate after sex

• Family relationships were destroyed

• Amnon was killed by Tamar’s brother

B) David and Bathsheba: II Sam 11-12

• Murder of Uriah

• Death of baby

• Began a trend of immorality in his family 

C) Abraham and Hagar: Genesis 16

• Violated God’s miraculous plan 

• Created jealousy and rivalry 

• Resulted in thousands of years of war and hatred

D) Shecham and Dinah: Genesis 34

• Forced relationship (between Shecham and Dinah)

• Hatred from family members, especially Levi and Simeon

• Murder and destruction entire city.

At the end of the optional activity, ask the students to read 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5: 

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God. 

Discuss how honouring God’s design for sexuality also protects us from wrongdoing.